Happy Mother’s Day to you both! You have been through so so much and your fierce love

I was a single mother before Gabe was even born. While I was 12 weeks pregnant his father passed away unexpectedly. I did not believe I would be able to get through my pregnancy with Gabe due to the traumatic events leading up to finding my husband dead on our balcony two days before Christmas. We had recently lost our first son Gavin six months before Seth died. Gavin lived for three days in the NICU. The one and only time I got to hold him was when he died in my arms.

As I attempted CPR on Seth I accepted my fate. I anticipated a miscarriage. I thought that I would not survive any of what had already happened and what was about to.

I was wrong!

Gabe was born 6 months later. I did survive. Not only did I survive I experienced more happiness than I ever thought was possible which lasted an entire year. Then it was obvious that something was off about how Gabe was developing. Physically he met all his milestones, but he wasn’t talking, pointing, or looking at me when I would try to get his attention. Soon after he was formally diagnosed with severe autism.

I was a single mom and now a single mom of an autistic nonverbal toddler.

I’m embarrassed to admit that one of my biggest fears at the time was Mothers Day.

It gave me severe anxiety imagining celebrating Mothers Day without my husband. Gabe couldn’t talk or acknowledge me. I was so scared to feel these intense feelings. I worried about it so far in advance! This went on until I met Caroline when Gabe was 6! I had to figure out ways to not feel sad on this made up holiday. My best friend Marla always made sure she was with me especially in the very early years. I was also invited to be with my friend Michelle and her family so I wasn’t alone. I never took her up on it, but I won’t forget that.

Someone might say, but you weren’t alone. You had Gabe. At that time in my life it didn’t feel like enough. I needed a break. Someone to take over. I wished Gabe could talk. I wanted to hear the words Happy Mother’s Day from my son. Gabe is almost 16 years old and I still have not heard those words and it’s ok because I feel it.

As I began to accept that my son would probably never be able to acknowledge me, I started to view Mothers Day differently.

I decided that Mothers Day was not about me, but instead about the gift I was given which is my son. Each year I feel gratitude instead of pain. I always say I get to be Gabe’s mom. There isn’t anything better than that. I am grateful to be Gabe’s mom and I now have more to be grateful for since Caroline came into our lives.

Happy Mothers Day to all the moms out there. I know how painful tomorrow is going to be for a lot of people. Maybe your own mom is gone, you lost a child, maybe you never got to be a mom, are a single mom, or maybe you have a child who can’t tell you how much you mean to them. I see you. #autism #mothersday #singlemom #widow